Help! I cant orgasm!
Question:
Hi Kara Sutra, I just wanted to ask you if maybe you could tell me what's wrong with me, everytime I have sex with my boyfriend I can't have an orgasm. If it helps, I can have them on my own..just not with him. What's wrong with me???
Answer:
Thanks for watching and supporting what I do!!! :D
As for the question...what you are facing is unfortunately very, VERY, common among women.
There is nothing wrong with you and it's not something that is anyones fault.
Before I offer any suggestions lets see if maybe we can find the reasons behind why you may not be able to orgasm.
When a person climaxes, the majority of the time anyways, it requires that they are in a postion where they are comfortable, feel safe and trust the environment.
Most of the time when a person masterbates they have made sure that they are in a place where they are not worried someone will walk in, there is no fear that when an orgasm is reached someone else will get soaked if they squirt, that they will be laughed at for the look on their face or a word that they utter in the heat of the moment and finally that there is no risk of embarrasment.
In that environment a woman will feel safe to let go of control, give in and usually be able to let an orgasm happen.
When you throw another person into the mix all sorts of other environments and possible situations present themself, unfortuanately leading a women to hold onto control and not be willing to let go.
Often times a women is not even conscious of this and enters into sexual intercourse unknowing and ends up disappointed by the end result...or the lack of orgasming.
This is not to say that she is not comfortable with her partner or does not love him/her.
Its has more to do with a persons conscious or unconscious state of being and allowing them to be willing to share a very intimate and personal experience.
My suggestion is to make sure you are in a postion where you are comfortable, feel safe and trust the environment.
Take a night where you both masterbate for each other. I'm serious. Relax and allow yourself to have an orgasm in front of him. Try not to be embarrassed or scared or overwhelemd. Dont rush, take as long as it takes. Do it for you and you alone. Use whatever toy you feel works best and that you love to personally play with.
If it helps, just pretend that he isn't even there. Sit him in a corner by himself in the shadows and do all of the things you would normally do for yourself. Whether its lighting candles, playing music, fantasizing about a male/female you are attracted to or putting on your pajamas. What ever you do when you are by yourself, do that.
One thing I have come to learn from most women is that once they have had a self induced orgasm in front of their partner where nothing "bad" happened, they are better able to achieve an orgams with their partner the next time around.
Try using toys during sex. It is VERY common that most women can't achieve an orgasm without the clitoral stimulation that a penis can not provide. By introducing toys during sex you create the much needed stimulation to the clitoris.
You also might want to look for a more powerful vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand as it may be "harder" for you to reach the level of arousal you need from clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm. Keep in mind that not everyone is built the same, so what might take one woman 1 minute of stimulation to reach an orgasm might take another woman 10 minutes, a half an hour or even longer.
Please keep in mind that when it comes to sex and orgasms there are certain "levels" within the a womans Sexual Response Cycle that need to be reached in order to achieve an orgasm. You may want to watch my video on the subject in order to learn more about your body and the way it's reacting so that you can understand what's happening and hopefully figure out what you specifically need to reach an orgasm.
Stop trying. One of the main problems that women face when trying to achieve an orgasm is that they forget to relax and enjoy it. They stress themselves out about not being able to achieve an orgasm and end up not being able to acheive an orgasm. Remember this sex is supposed to be fun not stressful.
It may take more then one go at it, but with time if you are able to relax enough to let go and surrender to that primal part of yourself, you should be able to reach an orgasm.
Enjoy it :)
hope that helped
Kara_Sutra
Go back to previous Q & A list
